As a psychologist working with children and families for over two decades, I’ve seen time and time again that resilience – the ability to recover from setbacks – is one of the most valuable qualities we can nurture in our kids. The hardest and most unavoidable parenting truth: Life IS going to knock our kids solidly onto the ground and there is nothing we can do about that. Awesome parenting truth: We CAN help them build the skills they need to get back up, dust themselves off and keep moving forward. It really does all begin with us! (Scary thought but also empowering- because it’s related to YOU it means it’s absolutely in your control to do something about it!)
Here are four key strategies to help children develop this essential life skill:
Create Safe Connection
The foundation of resilience is a secure attachment with caregivers. While we’re not diving head first into the science of attachment in this space- basically, just think RELATIONSHIP. When children feel safely connected, they develop the confidence to explore, take risks, and recover from failure. Here’s the thing- the parent-child relationship is always up to YOU. Make time for undistracted one-on-one interactions daily, even if just 10 minutes. Don’t expect your child to tag along and do what you want them to do. Get out of your adult world and get into theirs. Even if this means you have to play ‘vet-vet’ for ten minutes or learn how to play RoBlox. It speaks volumes about their worth and value in the world when you make the effort to get to REALLY know them in a space of uncontaminated connection time.
Welcome All Emotions
The ALL is the emphasis here. So often, even through our nonverbals, we communicate that only the “positive” emotions are acceptable. Or more acceptable. We punish anger (a super normal healthy emotion that we ALL feel from time to time), and we tend to push the uncomfortable emotions- like all those ones erupting during meltdowns- under the carpet and wait until our children have “sorted themselves out” before engaging with them again. The message they then internalise is ‘only the happy, sunshine part of me is acceptable and allowable in my parents presence’. I know that the message I want my kids to ALWAYS know, no matter how old they are, is this: “ALL of you, no matter how you feel, is welcome, accepted and loved unconditionally here.” That’s the only way they will ever learn to fully and compassionately embrace exactly who they are without judgement.
Model Healthy Coping
My questions to parents are often these: “How do you cope with life’s setbacks? How compassionate are you with yourself when you make mistakes or when life hands you lemons?” Children learn resilience by watching how we handle challenges. Let them see you make mistakes and recover. When we lambaste ourselves, hide our mistakes out of shame or completely fall apart, this is what we are teaching our kids to do too. Hard one- They cannot become what they don’t see us to be. Here’s the mantra: Be who you want your child to become- Always. Another great way to help your kids in this way is to share age-appropriate examples of your own setbacks and how you overcame them. When they know that the person I love most- my parent- went through something similar AND got through it okay, it gives them hope that they will be able to get through it too. I constantly tell my kids, “Life is hard but we can do hard things.” I want this to become the words they hear in their heads whenever life throws them a curveball.
When things are just feeling super overwhelming and your stress levels have reached epic proportions, show them how you regulate by taking deep, slow breaths to get control over your emotions again. In my house, we do something I call, ‘Milkshake Breathing’, and when I am starting to flap about for one reason or another, I will often hear my son’s voice shouting down the passage, “Mom. Milkshake Breathing!” (That’s deep slow breaths in through the mouth and very long, very slow breaths out through pursed lips- a few times!)
Encourage Problem-Solving
When I have a problem but can attempt to find a solution, it’s empowering, and no longer a problem. This is one of the best aspects you can encourage from the youngest age. Rather than jumping in to fix things, help children think of their own solutions. Ask questions like “What ideas do you have?” or “What could you try next time?” This builds confidence in their ability to handle difficulties. I recall one particular incident when my daughter at around age 3 years old, brought me a pair of very broken cheap plastic goggles. I told her that I didn’t think we could fix them. Her response made me proud, and also left me giggling: “Mom, but isn’t it that Holdt’s can always make a plan?” Exactly what I wanted her to internalise from that young age: We always try to find solutions.
There are many more things that help our children develop resilience. Remember the most important part is developing a healthy connected relationship with them.
Resilience isn’t a toolkit we teach. It develops gradually through everyday experiences of taking on challenges and recovering from setbacks. By creating a supportive environment where children feel secure exploring their world, making mistakes, and trying again, we help them develop the inner resources to bounce back from life’s inevitable difficulties. We can’t control the external world, but we can provide the safety of a relationship to help our kids and teens navigate this. I’ll end with one of my favourite quotes by Gabor Mate: “Safety is not the absence of threat. It is the presence of connection.”