The diagnosis of ADHD in adults is on the rise. Sometimes, diagnoses can take place years into marriage or long-term relationships. If your spouse has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, you may be asking yourself: What does this mean for us? Perhaps you will find that the diagnosis brings clarity to your relationship dynamics when you understand the interpersonal impact of ADHD.
Which ADHD symptoms cause strain in relationships?
- Distracted: Difficulty staying mentally present.
- Disorganisation: Poor organisation or planning skills, with difficulty in starting tasks or completing them.
- Time management: People with ADHD are often late or have difficulty estimating how long something may take. They can become hyperfocused on a task at hand and forget about other important tasks or events.
- Poor memory: Repeatedly forgetting conversations, plans, or requests from a partner.
- Impulsive: Acting or speaking without consideration for consequences.
All of the above symptoms can have a negative impact on the perceived quality of a romantic relationship. The following facets of mature relationships may be compromised by the presence of ADHD:
- Attentiveness: We need to perceive that we are the object of someone’s focus and attention. Connection and romance can only take place when mutual attentiveness is present.
- Reliability: In adult relationships, responsibilities are shared. We need to be able to trust that our partners can manage their share of the daily living tasks. Reliability requires that expectations are met.
- Sense of being heard: We need to feel that our concerns are heard by our partner. Our partners need to remember what’s important to us and to follow through on promises they make to us. If your partner struggles to retain details of important conversations, you may feel overlooked or dismissed, even if that’s not their intention.
What you can do:
- Be honest
What’s obvious to you may not be obvious to them. Share as deeply and as thoroughly as you can. Aim to share your own personal experiences rather than making accusations and placing blame. An easy way to do this is to start your sentences with, “I feel…”
- What you say is as important as how you say it.
Express your frustration, needs and expectations in a clear and respectful manner. Many people with ADHD are sensitive to sound. If you are shouting or using an overly angry tone, your message may be completely lost as ADHD brains tend to hyperfocus on one thing at a time. Your tone may be too distracting. Be deliberate in choosing a tone and volume that is respectful so that you can share how you are feeling in a way that is easy to listen to.
- Learn from others
Finding a support group or online forum can go a long way in putting words to how you feel. Learning from other’s experiences of handling ADHD’s impact on marriages can be incredibly helpful.
- Encourage treatment
It’s all too easy to slip into a ‘parent-child’ dynamic in your relationship. Unfortunately, there is nothing that will kill romance faster. Don’t parent your spouse. This includes their personal ADHD treatment plan. It is not your place to offer advice and take charge of their medication. Seek to be supportive without being authoritative.
Living with ADHD in your relationship doesn’t mean love, connection, or growth are out of reach. In fact, many couples find that learning to navigate ADHD challenges brings them closer, especially with a foundation of honesty and empathy.
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