While technology advancements have several benefits, there are also downsides. Perhaps one of the biggest disadvantages is the expectation to be ‘switched on’ and instantly available.
An instant message may pop up while you’re driving, having dinner with your family or are at the movies. Some people adopt the mindset that just because they can respond, then they should. But this availability comes at its own cost.
When our notifications are on at all times, our attention can remain psychologically connected to what’s on the other side. Rest is meant to be restorative, but when we’re switched on, even if we don’t look at our device or respond, thoughts about who messaged, whether the message is important or the consequences of not checking and responding instantly may consume us.
Being connected to others via technology is not the same as emotional connection. We can exchange several messages, without any of them being meaningful. We can be constantly updated on others’ lives, without realising that we may not be present in our own lives.
Often, being fully present with the person in your (physical) midst is psychologically more nourishing than responding immediately to someone who isn’t physically present.
Some people shape their identity according to their availability – e.g. being considered the ‘reliable friend’, the ‘hard-working employee’, the ‘helpful family member’, the one ‘who always answers’….
Over time, responding immediately can feel less like a choice and more like an obligation. If you’ve been this person, setting healthier boundaries can trigger guilt – e.g. thoughts of ‘what if they think I’m rude?’, ‘What if it’s a crisis?’, ‘what if I miss something important while I’m offline?’.
For some, the difficulty isn’t so much disconnecting, but rather, the inability to tolerate the discomfort of not being immediately available. So healthy boundaries are not just about being unreachable, but they’re also about creating reasonable expectations around when and via what channels you are available.
I often encourage patients to switch off non-essential notifications, remove their work email from their phones (if it’s unlikely to create further complications), establishing available hours for work-related communication, keeping phones outside the bedroom, having device-free times and zones at home.
A mantra I often repeat to prevent unnecessary stress is ‘others’ lack of planning is not my crisis to manage’. Each of us gets to decide what the limits of our availability are. If you decide to switch off from work at a certain time, then close your emails/Teams messages until the next day. Or at the end of your workday, jot down a list of what still needs to be attended to and when you plan to do it. This closes open loops in your brain as you have a plan and you cannot forget, as you have a written list.
For someone who is constantly available, trying to set boundaries with devises can create restlessness, anxiety or guilt. We need to work through these emotions in developing rules for our availability. Remember that it’s not technology that’s harmful; it’s our lack or healthy boundaries that can contribute to burnout, stress and emotional disconnection from those closest to us.
So the goal shouldn’t be to disconnect from everyone and everything, but rather to recognise the cost of everyone having uninterrupted access to you. The goal is to adjust your availability without feeling guilty.
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