“But you’re so good at it!”
“I don’t want to do it wrong.”
“You’re so much better at it than I am.
These phrases capture the essence of ‘weaponised incompetence’. Weaponised incompetence refers to the expression of inability to perform a task – or performing a task poorly, to prevent having to do it in future. While this is mostly spoken about in the context of domestic relationships, it can also apply to the workplace and other relationships.
A classic example is when one partner assumes responsibility for cooking and wants the task to be shared. However, when the partner does take a turn, they leave the kitchen in such a huge mess, that the partner who asked for the load to be shared, now reassumes complete responsibility (to avoid the mess). This can lead to burnout and resentment.
A golden question is whether weaponised incompetence is intentional or not. There are certainly situations in which a person pretends to not be able to do something in order to avoid that task. However, there are cases in which this is unintentional, and may be a result of not being skilled at something or learned helplessness (made to believe that they’re not good at something). Another significant contributor (though not an excuse) is ADHD.
Because we are all raised differently, we are all conditioned differently. For example, those who were raised with stereotypical gender roles may grow into adults to whom it doesn’t even occur to participate in certain household tasks. I often see men whose mothers did everything for them, don’t even realise that they need to take on household responsibilities when they are married. It’s almost as if the chores they’ve never had to participate in are invisible to them. This is often what contributes to the ‘mental load’ carried by many women. On the other hand, a child who was expected to routinely perform certain chores (e.g. making up the bed) may prioritise this, while it may never occur to their partner to do.
Weaponised incompetence isn’t a gender based problem, though. And neither is it limited to domestic chores. One partner may be the one who has to make all plans and bookings, because it’s decided that they are better at it. However, this can lead them to feel unloved due to the lack of effort from their significant other.
Weaponised incompetence can have negative effects on a relationship. The most common of these is resentment in the person who over-functions to make up for the partner who under-functions. Burnout is another factor, especially when one partner carries a heavy load, leaving them with little to no time for selfcare. Weaponised incompetence can also lead to a breakdown in trust as the partner who carries the bigger load is likely to feel unsupported.
In order to move toward a more harmonious way of sharing the load, communication is key. Both parties need to express their needs clearly and directly in a respectful manner. Be clear on what your expectations of each other are. In healthy relationships, there is willingness to find amicable solutions and work as a team.
E.g. if one partner is diagnosed as having ADHD, then it is important to learn tools to manage this condition so it does not impact negatively on the marriage. What’s key is that it is not one partner’s responsibility to manage the process, as that then becomes a chore for them.
Ideally, there should be agreement on who is responsible for what, understanding that this may never feel ‘equal’. It should however feel fair, considering each person’s available time, capacity, skills and preferences. Prioritise working as a team.
A rule I live by is that if I am particular about how a certain task is performed, then I will perform it myself. This prevents the frustration of someone not doing it my way.
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