‘Just look on the bright side!’
‘Good vibes only!’
‘Everything happens for a reason.’
Many of us have been on the receiving end of such comments. While positive thinking is beneficial to our physical and mental health, toxic positivity can be counterproductive and even harmful. Toxic positivity refers to the expectation that we should be positive at all times and in all situations. The problem with toxic positivity is that it invalidates and discounts the expression of authentic emotions. Toxic positivity is when we are expected to suppress negative emotions evoked by adverse experiences.
While such comments may be accompanied by good intentions, the failure to acknowledge someone’s pain can be invalidating. This invalidation can lead someone who is in pain to feel lonely, isolate themselves and suffer and silence. Further it can lead to one feeling ashamed of their emotions, which in turn negatively impacts on one’s mental health.
You can be a positive person and still experience negative emotions. Negative emotions are not bad – they are mostly appropriate reactions to negative situations. Part of being human is to experience a full range of emotions. However, those who are uncomfortable with emotions are unable to hold space for the emotions of others.
Telling someone who is depressed to ‘think positive’ is like telling someone with a broken leg to walk – it is insensitive and unempathetic. When a person goes through negative life experiences, it is only natural to feel negative emotions. Suppressing these appropriate emotions can lead to emotional dysregulation, increased anxiety and even physical symptoms.
The other danger of toxic positivity is that it can negatively impact on relationships. When a person feels that they need to hide their true feelings as others expect them to be happy all of the time, there is inevitably emotional distance in that relationship. This breakdown of trust reduces the opportunity for authentic connection.
To better understand toxic positivity, let’s look at some common phrases and what to say instead:
Toxic Phrase: ‘Think positive’
Why it’s harmful: this phrase minimises pain and trauma, especially if the person has experienced something traumatic.
Alternative: ‘I can see this is really hard for you. I am here if you would like to talk about it.’
Toxic Phrase: ‘It could have been worse.’
Why it’s harmful: even if it is true, comparing someone’s pain to another invalidates their experience. Just because others may have it worse, it doesn’t mean that it’s not difficult.
Alternative: ‘It’s okay to feel sad about this.’
Toxic Phrase: ‘Everything happens for a reason’
Why it’s harmful: It’s not helpful for someone in the midst of grief or a victim of trauma to hear this. People need comfort in times of distress.
Alternative: ‘I don’t know why such awful things happen to good people, but I am here for you. Let me know how I can best support you right now.’
Many motivational speakers use the line that we all have 24 hours in a day, so we should all be able to achieve great things. The reality is that our 24 hours are not equal, as we all have different resources and different responsibilities. A person with a personal chef, PA and personal trainer can achieve more than a single mum who is juggling her career, parenting, aging parents, illness and financial stress. Toxic positivity fails to take into account realistic systemic inequalities.
While we should avoid toxic positivity, we should strive for healthy optimism. Healthy optimism acknowledges suffering, but also focuses on finding glimmers during dark times. It means validating both positive and negative emotions. Healthy optimism is rooted in reality, focuses on growing from adversity and promotes self compassion.
The best thing that you can do for someone in pain is to truly see them – not to make them feel better. Allow people to feel what they need to feel before moving on to problem-solving.
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