We often underestimate the impact of being there for others; sometimes without having to do a thing. Sometimes people don’t need advice; they don’t need to be cheered up – they just need to know that they are not alone.
Support is an important protective factor against mental illness. Even if we don’t have the solutions or feel that we don’t know enough, showing up for a loved one in a way that is meaningful to them can help their healing.
Often with the best intentions, we may say or do things that aren’t necessarily helpful. When someone is struggling, it is often unhelpful to remind them that it could have been worse or to look on the bright side. While your intentions may be good, this can feel dismissive and invalidating. Sometimes our own discomfort with emotions can lead to what we call ‘toxic positivity’.
On the other hand, it doesn’t help to say ‘I understand’ if you don’t actually understand.
Here’s how you can support someone instead…
We are fortunate to live in a time when access to information (including information from experts) is easily and freely accessible. So, the most basic, yet meaningful way to support someone is by learning about their mental illness. This helps increase our understanding without putting the burden on them to explain. It also helps us understand the most effective treatments and how to support them better. The effort to learn about a loved one’s condition can help them feel truly cared for.
We can support someone by showing up for them. Often, telling someone that you are there for them may not be as effective as we hope. We have to support our words with actions. How can you show up for someone? There are two things to consider. Firstly, what would be helpful for them? Secondly, what is your capacity? Sometimes it may mean just being there to listen, without expecting them to feel better. Sometimes it may mean inviting them to go on a walk – a silent one if that’s what they may prefer. At other times it may be preparing a meal or helping with chores that they are struggling with. It’s important to know how someone feels supported.
If applicable, help facilitate professional help-seeking. This may mean trying to find a suitable healthcare professional, calling their medical aid to enquire about benefits or driving them to their appointments.
Sometimes supporting someone may look like giving them space, if that’s what they need. People have different personalities and benefit from different types of support. It’s important to respect boundaries (except if they are at high risk for self harm). Still, let them know that you may text to check up on them or that you are available when they are ready for company. Be mindful of pressurizing someone to talk or to go out if they’re not ready. Sometimes what we find helpful may not be helpful to the next person.
Being consistent in your care and support matters (while not jeopardising your own mental health). Even if they seem to be doing well, checking in shows that you care and can be depended on. Consistency is important because healing is not straightforward. Someone may do well, but regress a while later.
If you are supporting a loved one with mental illness, it’s important to prioritse your own selfcare. Caring for others can take an emotional toll, so remember to take care of you too, because that will also help you show up better for others.
Showing support isn’t about having all the answers. Sometimes a calm, compassionate presence can create the environment needed for healing.