Perfectionism is defined as – the need to be or appear perfect, or to achieve perfection. It’s not the same as striving to do your best, nor is it about healthy achievement and growth.
For many South Africans, juggling work, financial stress, family responsibilities and expectations (self-imposed and from others), adding perfectionism into the mix can lead to increased anxiety, self-doubt and exhaustion. Research has linked perfectionism to mental health problems.
Some of the common signs of perfectionism:
- Procrastinating because you fear not doing something perfectly
- Not finishing tasks and/ or spending too much time on simple tasks
- Being overly critical of yourself (or others/ situations)
- Feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough
- Comparing yourself constantly to others
- Being frequently disappointed that things don’t go as planned
A perfectionist doesn’t believe that what they do is worthwhile unless it is perfect – instead of being proud of their progress, or acknowledging how hard they’ve worked, or how much they’ve learnt through the process, they are likely to compare themselves constantly with others or to obsess about achieving a flawless result or constantly doing better, and improving themselves, others, or their environment.
Having high standards, persevering in the face of difficulties, being conscientious, organised, and goal driven, doesn’t make you a perfectionist. You may just be someone who strives to do your best, and who likes to meet expectations, but you don’t get upset if you can’t always meet your goals, and you are not defined by them.
Perfectionists don’t allow any room for being human, errors are unforgiveable, and they will beat themselves up for the tiniest mistake or flaw or lack, which can rob them of any joy or satisfaction from the things that they do well.
Perfectionists are often afraid that if they stop aiming for perfection, they will become lazy, not achieve anything, and end up destitute; or that it somehow makes them “bad” people.
Causes of perfectionism are complex but include fear of other’s disapproval or judgement; shame and feelings of insecurity, inadequacy or unworthiness; and having parents’ (or other authority figures’) who were perfectionists themselves or had overly high expectations. The media also bombards us with carefully engineered images of success, beauty and perfection that amplify feelings of being inadequate, especially for perfectionists.
Here are some helpful ways to manage perfectionism:
- Set realistic expectations for yourself and others
- Celebrate your progress – every small step counts even if it’s not perfect
- Avoid comparing yourself to others
- Challenge your inner critic when it becomes harsh or unrealistic
- Acknowledge that our imperfections are part of what make us human
- Allow yourself to do some things imperfectly – focus on the learning and growth rather than flawless outcomes
- Reach out for support if perfectionism is affecting your life negatively – get a coach, a therapist, or chat to a trusted friend or family member
- Treat yourself with compassion and kindness
Self-Compassion researcher Dr Kristin Neff encourages us to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would give to a friend, and to recognise our common humanity, the fact that there are others who experience the same struggles and challenges that we do.
Ultimately, perfectionism can steal our joy, creativity and peace of mind. Mental wellbeing comes from allowing ourselves to be fully human – imperfect, learning and growing, and enough – just as we are!
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